What We Say

Nothing can ever prepare one for motherhood. A book just would never be able to provide enough information to help one handle every situation that will arise.

I never expected I would have to tell my older son not to beat his brother in the head with a banana.

I never thought the words, “Don’t shine the pig’s butt in your brother’s eyes,” would ever be necessary. But, this morning on the way to school, I actually had to make that statement.

Sometimes I begin to wonder what is wrong in our little world. Today, I found sanity though as I listened to the radio. On K-Love the morning radio hosts asked listeners to call in with statements they never thought they would say.

The good news is that many other people, parents of course, make statements they wouldn’t expect.

“Don’t put that tortilla shell in your ear!”

We all have a list of items that we warn our children about when it comes to mouth, nose, and ears. They like to experiment. That’s how beans get stuck in ears, Legos end up in the digestive system, and blue PlayDoh must be pulled out of a nostril.

“No, no, please don’t lick the lizard!”
“Don’t eat deodorant.”

My children never had a strong attachment to deodorant, but I told them on multiple occasions to quit eating diaper rash ointment.

“Don’t blow your nose on people.”
“Don’t eat toe jam.”

“Underwear isn’t meant to be worn on your head.” I’ve found that the more I tell them that one, the funnier they think it is. They’ll both put underwear on their heads and run around the house as if they have now become mighty super heros.

“Don’t try to pee on each other.”
“Don’t lick the floor.”
Even worse ... “Don’t lick your shoes.”
For some reason, they’ll lick just about anything — sometimes even after they are told.

“Don’t blow Dorito breath in Mamaw’s face anymore.”

Obviously, many statements are expected and said nearly on a daily basis.

“Don’t lie down while you eat.”
“Chew with your mouths closed.”
“FEET OFF THE TABLE!”
“Hang your coats up.”
“Sneeze and cough in your elbow.”
“Don’t sniff; blow your nose.”
“Say ‘excuse me’ when you burp at the table or near someone else.”

It’s all part of this job with which we as parents are tasked. I never expected it to be as encompassing as it is. Children have a lot to learn. We, as parents, must do our best to teach them.

It also makes me glad for a song played frequently on K-Love noting, “There’s no such things as perfect people. There’s no such thing as a perfect life.” Good, cause we are far from perfect here.

Many statements must be made more than once. However, my sons figure out a few things the first time they do them.

Creed learned never again to try to swallow a plastic hanger after the one and only time he attempted it.

And, luckily, I only had to tell him once not to poop in a furnace vent. I did tell him more than once that it was time to stop pooping in his diaper and even that it was not proper to empty his diaper on the floor. (Thank God for disinfecting wipes!) The vent, well it just happened once.

Through it all, I will tell them every chance I get that I love them, even if they listen to that one the first time.

1977

I created a list of events from the year that I was born and the year that Todd was born to post with newspapers from those dates. It was easy since we were both born in the same year.

I found some facts quite interesting.

For example, on Apr. 21st the Broadway play “Annie” opened. It was the first of 2,377 performances on the big stage. It seems ironic to me since for so much of my elementary-aged years I could have been an Annie look-a-like.

Actually, I still remember my mother saying to me, “If you could sing better, we might make some money off of you.” Maybe so, but the first time I sang solo in front of a crowd — which I believe was at a church service in Pennsboro — I cried and didn’t finish my crooning.

Still, my mother made me “the Annie dress.” Some of you may remember it as being red and white. I even have that dress on in a family picture taken nearly a few decades ago.

It appears Annie was the best option for my birth year. After all, the Coneheads debuted on “Saturday Night Live” in January of that year. I guess I’d rather look like Annie.

The year saw a switch in politics from U.S. President Gerald Ford to Jimmy Carter. On Jan. 19th of that year, Ford pardoned Iva Toguri D’Aquino, better known to U.S. troops as Tokyo Rose, from her acts of treason during World War II.

It was a year of space discovery as well when Soyuz 24 launched two cosmonauts into space in February. A little over a week later, the first space shuttle, Enterprise, makes its maiden flight (carried atop a Boeing 747), over the Mojave Desert. But it wasn’t always about the world beyond our atmosphere. The USSR also performed nuclear tests in the same month.

Other activities included Alain Prieur jumping his motorcycle 65 meter over 16 buses, near Paris. Meanwhile, a Nova Scotia fisherman caught a 20.2 kg lobster — the world’s heaviest known crustacean. Dr. Allen Bussey made his name while completing 20,302 yo-yo loops; Sabra Starr finished the longest recorded belly dance (100 hours).

In the world of entertainment, Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours” album released. The Rolling Stones made the news in a different manner as Keith Richards was arrested in Toronto and charged with possession of heroin with intent to traffic and possession of cocaine.

Future “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno debuted with host Johnny Carson. “Eight is Enough” premieres on ABC-TV.

In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court allowed lawyers to advertise. Aren’t we all grateful for that? Also, in March Bank of America adopted a new name for their credit cards: VISA. Again, aren’t we grateful?

Vietnam finally handed over MIA to the United States. But it wasn’t about peace. The U.S. restricted citizens from visiting Cuba, Vietnam, North Korea and Cambodia.

The NBC News and Information Service (which operated 24 hours) ended on radio. The first personal computer, the Apple II, went on sale. Radio Shack announced the TRS-80 computer; within weeks, thousands were ordered. Television viewer discretion warnings began.

Regarding famous folks: James Earl Ray escaped from prison, and three members of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s rock band died in a plane crash. To the dismay of many, Elvis Presley died at the age of 42.

I also discovered that the Plymouth Horizon was introduced in December. It was the first American-made small car with front-wheel drive. Technical advances in drive technology had reduced the size and cost of front-wheel drive systems. Some 16 years later, it would be my first car to drive.

1977: when a new house averaged $49,300; average annual income was $15,000, and a gallon of gas cost 65¢.

Wow! Now if only I knew how well Annie aged ...

No Monsters Allowed

Creed looked at me two days ago and said, “I wish I was two again.”

I figured this comment was just a desire to forget about school and to spend his days playing with his former babysitting colleagues Aaron and Carigan. At worst, it was a statement made while he was angry at his brother so he was wishing for a time before Heath was born.

I asked to be sure. I found out I was wrong.

“I didn’t have so many aches and pains,” he lamented.

My six year old is already complaining about aches and pains! I had to laugh.

I reminded him of the benefits of being six. Not only can he run faster than a two year old, but he can also reach higher since he is taller. And, even better, he can go to the bathroom by himself!

He smiled. That seemed to satisfy his concerns.

This morning, as I tried to wake him to get ready for school, he told me he was getting too old cause he just can’t stretch like he used to do.

Where does he come up with this stuff? Yeah, he probably listens to us.

That’s why his knees ache from time to time, or his back hurts. You know it isn’t real when he complains that he is feeling fat. He doesn’t have an ounce of body fat!

It proves the point that they listen to us. They know our aches and pains. They know our concerns about ourselves. They know our weaknesses.

My children know my weaknesses as well as anyone. They also know my doubts and my fears. It’s a little disturbing. And it shows me that I need to “woman up.”

I don’t want to teach them a lifestyle of complaining. I’ll have to take the no monsters allowed approach.

The boys worry about monsters invading the house at night — at least that is their excuse at bedtime. Repeatedly they have been told that monsters aren’t real. But, just in case, I remind them:
Witches melt with water.
Vampires have to be invited into your home.
Werewolves only appear on full moons.
The boogie monster only picks on nose pickers.

I’m kidding about the last one, but it always makes Heath smile because he has a few issues with wandering fingers.

So out with the monsters, the complaints, and the fears.

In with the good thoughts, fun times, and cheers.