What We Say

Nothing can ever prepare one for motherhood. A book just would never be able to provide enough information to help one handle every situation that will arise.

I never expected I would have to tell my older son not to beat his brother in the head with a banana.

I never thought the words, “Don’t shine the pig’s butt in your brother’s eyes,” would ever be necessary. But, this morning on the way to school, I actually had to make that statement.

Sometimes I begin to wonder what is wrong in our little world. Today, I found sanity though as I listened to the radio. On K-Love the morning radio hosts asked listeners to call in with statements they never thought they would say.

The good news is that many other people, parents of course, make statements they wouldn’t expect.

“Don’t put that tortilla shell in your ear!”

We all have a list of items that we warn our children about when it comes to mouth, nose, and ears. They like to experiment. That’s how beans get stuck in ears, Legos end up in the digestive system, and blue PlayDoh must be pulled out of a nostril.

“No, no, please don’t lick the lizard!”
“Don’t eat deodorant.”

My children never had a strong attachment to deodorant, but I told them on multiple occasions to quit eating diaper rash ointment.

“Don’t blow your nose on people.”
“Don’t eat toe jam.”

“Underwear isn’t meant to be worn on your head.” I’ve found that the more I tell them that one, the funnier they think it is. They’ll both put underwear on their heads and run around the house as if they have now become mighty super heros.

“Don’t try to pee on each other.”
“Don’t lick the floor.”
Even worse ... “Don’t lick your shoes.”
For some reason, they’ll lick just about anything — sometimes even after they are told.

“Don’t blow Dorito breath in Mamaw’s face anymore.”

Obviously, many statements are expected and said nearly on a daily basis.

“Don’t lie down while you eat.”
“Chew with your mouths closed.”
“FEET OFF THE TABLE!”
“Hang your coats up.”
“Sneeze and cough in your elbow.”
“Don’t sniff; blow your nose.”
“Say ‘excuse me’ when you burp at the table or near someone else.”

It’s all part of this job with which we as parents are tasked. I never expected it to be as encompassing as it is. Children have a lot to learn. We, as parents, must do our best to teach them.

It also makes me glad for a song played frequently on K-Love noting, “There’s no such things as perfect people. There’s no such thing as a perfect life.” Good, cause we are far from perfect here.

Many statements must be made more than once. However, my sons figure out a few things the first time they do them.

Creed learned never again to try to swallow a plastic hanger after the one and only time he attempted it.

And, luckily, I only had to tell him once not to poop in a furnace vent. I did tell him more than once that it was time to stop pooping in his diaper and even that it was not proper to empty his diaper on the floor. (Thank God for disinfecting wipes!) The vent, well it just happened once.

Through it all, I will tell them every chance I get that I love them, even if they listen to that one the first time.